Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
