You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
