i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
