Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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