just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
