you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
