ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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