I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
