I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
