My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What a dumb baby whore.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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