she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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