Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
