I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
