I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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