Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
