before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
