And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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