I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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