I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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