Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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