I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
