hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
