soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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