i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
