I wish you could order shots online.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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