Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
