Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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