Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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