You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
