sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
