Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
