mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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