you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
