How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
