Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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