All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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