I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
