I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
