just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
