I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
