I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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