You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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