he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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