I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
