life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
