He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
