I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
