Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
