Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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