if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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